I was stuck again, three days. Emotionally (yes), spiritually, and it also did affect me physically—the culprit (maybe): my non-enthusiasm for the workplace.
I felt that at home, I can do more beautiful things. At the office, I am confined to a room, often interrupted by office queries, issues, and so on—no silence. I needed silence, I needed to come in terms with myself because.. I did not know my direction anymore.
I guess I have reached the optimum growth allowed to me at TCA. I am contemplating about moving forward, making something different, or at least attend to the calling of my spirit. In the three days I got stuck, I devoted time reading self-help books, drawing life plans, trying hard to pray, thinking, thinking… and then grabbing the Bible even though I felt lost where to start.
I was at those times by myself. My children were in school; my husband at work. Towards evening when they texted they’re coming home, after two nights that I slept alone, I was surprisingly re-energized. And this:
At times that I was left to myself, I reflected deeply trying to help myself out. I asked God for mercy to show me my directions, now that I seem to be drying up in my current work and the person He designed me to be seeks a full warm-up, a rejuvenation, another project or projects while yet living. With my family coming home, I have God’s answer—I still got so many affairs…texts to write, books to read and wisdom to share.. clutters to arrange, loving acts to show.. patience to practice, and attitudes to improve, values to model to my children… all just in our little home! But most of all…to see, and explore, and speak of God’s amazing works in every little thing He makes me engage with all the time. And I should be more determined to do that outside my comfort zones.
A tiny bird hopped in to our terrace this afternoon. I was familiar with the joy within. I felt it so many times…when feeding our small fishes that live without oxygen supply; when our dogs bark the most excited way as they see the family car approaches the gate, whenever I see the ducks and mushrooms and the rice fields and brook, every time I get to run in the morning.
I had been thinking too much. I got too far away. I was longing, desiring, daydreaming about things I thought could spell for me the “full life”. I was worrying my days.
Jesus said (in Matthew 6:34), “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
I was hesitant to leave work because the pay helps. I was hesitant because I can do the work. I was hesitant because I still thought I can contribute something to my community, especially among the students. But then I forgot to consult God.
And in the three days that passed, I did. And I got the answer.
I looked back at the days, yes, years that passed. Pretty well, despite all. My past made me smile, realize, get up, get up strong. And in knowing God, to face my present and the future days, not fearing men, just following God. Accomplish things, not that I may be recognized, but that God may be glorified.
I have come back in terms with myself now, thankful for another series of days of brokenness. I begin to appreciate brokenness as a beautiful phase in one’s life. I earnestly desire to overcome my sinful, coward nature, and go ahead, looking up to God. As I do that, I know, I never have to think too much, worry, nor fear. I only have to receive each day’s grace, obey, trust, accomplish, honor God, and sleep peacefully at night with my entire family.
I am thankful for another month of September that ended, bringing me every time closer to HOME.
Buenaflor Laoang-Rosete is a mother, freelance writer and a public administrator based in Tarlac, Philippines. She writes her thoughts on her website Fragrant Lives. You can contact her via email at firstname.lastname@example.org, facebook, or subscribe to her blog.